There are days I cannot imagine the next. The cost of mothering two complex and fragile human beings feels too great.
My life is ruled by simultaneous schedules and chaos. I am bone tired and weary; there is little rest. The mirror betrays me; I do not recognize myself. Nothing is enjoyable and time marches past my passions and activities of leisure in which I no longer engage. The ability to maintain friendships evaporates until all that was left of me is the role of caregiver.
And, all this is meant to stay secret. I must put a mask over my malaise and soldier on–no matter the cost. There are days when the price is too high and I find myself wishing time would stop and the weight would lift.
This is what caregiver burnout feels like. It is both a physical and existential threat. It happens when the role of caregiver consumes the self. For parental caregivers, it also consumes one’s parenting. Life becomes about the job of caring for one’s child(ren); one becomes an automaton providing care.
Depression remains a taboo subject as is the similar symptoms that arise from caregiver burnout. Symptoms include but are not limited to: feelings of sadness, helplessness, or hopelessness; irritability; loss of interest in things that bring joy; sleep disturbances; reduced or increased appetite; trouble thinking or concentrating; unexplained physical complaints; even thoughts of suicide.
It is often more of a taboo for parental caregivers to express these thoughts and feelings because the roles of parent and caregiver are so blurred. To admit that, at times, caregiving for one’s child feels depleting, hopeless, and grief-ridden is a faux pas; because parenting is supposed to be hard, yet fun, and rewarding. Moreover, parental caregivers do not want to portray their children as a burden. We feel overwhelmed to a point that caregiving eclipses the typical experience of parenting. This in and of itself causes a great feeling of loss and grief.
I can’t survive this way; I don’t think anyone can.
Caregiver burnout is not a failing it is a symptom. Caregiving cannot happen without the integral parts of one’s self and personality being nurtured; it is about caring both for yourself and the person for whom one cares. For a parental caregiver, parenting cannot all be about providing care or the parent-child bond suffers. It is when we neglect ourselves and our many roles as a person that we experience burnout.
I am daughter, sister, wife, friend, mother, caregiver, writer, artist, lover of documentaries and good books, bitingly sarcastic and sometimes funny, silly, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, playful, and more; I am also sad, overwhelmed, uncertain, and fearful. It is when I get stuck in one part of me or another that I experience burnout. When I am able to bring little pieces of all my parts into both my parenting and caregiving, I am refreshed.
Self-care is often talked about as the panacea for burnout. But, self-care is not always some grand, time-consuming thing like a day at the spa, beach, or even a bubbly bath at home (though these are wonderful activities). Self-care starts with honoring each part of one’s self and making space for those parts amidst all the chaos and responsibilities.
For me, it can be as simple as honoring the artistic part of me and grabbing a few coloring books and the kids to enjoy some coloring. Or it could be as simple as honoring the playful, silly, and funny parts of me by making faces and sounds while delivering medication. It is making space for all of one’s beautiful parts to breathe–even the sad and overwhelmed parts. It is allowing a good cry in the shower; telling a good friend “I’m really overwhelmed” when they ask; or asking for help when it’s needed.*
Today, I made some breathing room for my writer and the day already feels a little brighter.